Tae: A Tae Special

Ahem. Pasintabi lang po sa mga kumakain! Lol I bet you read that in Mike Enriquez’s voice.

Though some of us often disregard shit as gross and useless, we can never deny the fact that it plays an important role in our lives. Issues about bowel movements are most commonly kept private because of societal norms, and sometimes discussions about it lead to a familiar sense of an ending (People often say ‘Ending na, tae na man storya’). But we are just about to begin, my friends. What is it that your shit is telling you? Here’s a list of some types, because I think it’s about time to educate ourselves about its importance. And thank God he gave us shit.

1.) The Tobol

This shit’s most defining characteristic is the very excruciating pain in the anus that makes your nose go lisngag. You sit in silence for minutes, holding on, perspiring, enduring the agony. You feel like your anus is being torn apart by a big, black – nevermind. The veins in your forehead swell, and any second you’re ready to become a Super Saiyan. However, the glorious feeling of success is priceless after the deposit of this monsterous shit.

And because the Tobol is not that easy to discharge, it is not that easy to flush as well. It has a tendency to extend beyond water surface because of its enormous size and weight. It also leaves greasy, stinky marks in the toilet bowl. So I suggest you flush wisely and prepare a toilet brush.

2.) The Igit

While some turds like the Tobol sink like anvils, some turds float. This is what we call the Igit. Sometimes it comes off as an army- with those tiny yellow pieces that look exactly like Clover Bits. They float merrily and gaily in the toilet bowl. The good thing about the Igit is the fact that it wont leave any trace of defecation or any criminal record in the toilet, but sometimes some hasul, pisting yawa Igits resurface even after multiple flushes that you will need two pails of water to entirely flush those little pieces away.

Fact: Greasy Igits indicate the presence of fat in the shit. This could also suggest liver problems.

3.) The Go Green

The Go Green shit is a turd characterized by its The Incredible Hulk-like color. Its sizes may vary from small, medium to large and champ, and it looks like the turd most vegetarians discharge. Spinach and other green, leafy vegetables are mostly the reason for this unusual-colored shit, but apart from that, it could also be a sign of gastrointestinal infection.

4.) The Shit of Darkness

Are you evil? Do you like the number 666? Do you listen to Black Metal and other Satanic music like KPop and Asereje? Do you burn bibles and churches? Do you wear shirts printed with pentagrams and inverted crucifixes?

If you answered yes to all, then this shit is for you! The Shit of Darkness is as dark as the pits of hell (though I’ve never been there) and black as Adolf Hitler’s evil heart. And if you are truly the son of Satan, you won’t be surprised if you see this shit coming out of your anus.

No. Just kidding. Foods that cause black turds are those that are high in iron. But then, there’s also a possibility that evil is lurking within you, young Anakin Skywalker.

5.) The Shart

Behold, the sneakiest shit of all.

Although we always try to be super clean everyday, this very unwelcome surprise called The Shart always fails us. The Shart, short for shitfart, is the liquid smear of shit in your underpants. It usually starts with a very uncomfortable rumbling of the stomach & a strong urge to release a fair amount of gas. So you prepare for a loud, gaseous discharge, thinking that it will relieve your bloated, rumbling gut. Unfortunately, the fart contains more than gas. It has unod. Bearable when you’re just chilling at home, but obviously a day-wrecker when you’re at the wrong place and at the wrong time (Say, you’re in the middle of a meeting or at a rock show).

Fact: This is because of the presence of liquid stool in the rectum, the Nether Hell where stool is stored before its evacuation.

6.) The Flaming Torture

You sit down to unload some crap and a burning sensation claws through your asshole. The more you unload, the more it gets excruciating. You tilt to look at the deposit and wonder what you’ve eaten to deserve this kind of pain.

This fiery torture is due to the excessive consumption of spicy foods (I think you know that already). Spicy foods cause direct irritation to the gastrointestinal tract, so you better refrain from consuming too much spicy foods before your almoranas becomes enormous. Almoranas can make things worse, you know. And google it, I won’t type that very lengthy explanation here.

Note: You can also sue Lucky Me! Extra hot pancit canton for Arson, if you like.

7.) Valentina

Or Zuma ang taong ahas. Or Galema, ang babaeng ahas na anak ni Zuma sa isang mortal na busilak ang puso. Whatever.

The Valentina shit is the shit that has tiny worms in it. If you went to the Baranggay Hall to get free purga tablets, you’d probably be surprised after defecating. It’s because some of the intestinal worms in your body are out on bail, while the others on probation remain glued to their jobs. Actually, there are worms that are passed in the stool, but often go unnoticed. The itching around your asshole is also a sign of intestinal worms which we call Kigwa. Yes, Kigwa. If itching worsens, expect tiny, wiggly surprises in the toilet after you deposit.

8.) The Polka Dots

No other turd says Happy New Year than the Polka-dotted turd. It’s cute, like Minnie Mouse’s bow. But looks can be very deceiving. Despite of its cute-ness, this turd has a malignant smell that will surely make you high.

Ever eaten a guava and found a polka-dotted surprise after defecating? That was not some sort of sorcery, that’s just how you get polka-dotted turds. Foods that are loaded with insoluble fiber (corn, for example) are also the other causes of this.

9.) The Blood-Red Shit

If you’re female, seeing traces of blood in the toilet bowl comes at no surprise at all. Menstruation usually negotiates with poo because their homes are next to each other, and you know what I mean by that. But if there’s no menstruation involved, or if you are male, seeing traces of blood in the toilet bowl is clearly no laughing matter for it could suggest serious diseases and colon cancer. If this occurs, you have to consult a physician immediately.

There are other reasons why rectal bleeding happens, so here are some smart tips on how to prevent it:

1. Do not believe the old Cebuano song: Kung ikaw kalibangon, dagan lang sa baybayon. Kung ikaw wala’y ilo, inudnod lang sa dakong bato.

Because if you defecate in the baybayon, the dakong bato you’ll shove your ass on probably contains a lot of sisi.

2. Do not wipe your anus with rough paper, especially cardboards, toothpaste cartons and papel de liha.

3. If your anus is itching, do not scratch it rapidly with your long finger nails. Ew. Wipe your anus with clean toilet paper or wash it with soap. Or better yet, chew the seeds of an ipil-ipil tree and purga yourself to clean up your bacteria-filled intestines.

4. As much as possible, prevent anal sex. But if you wanna try it, like the curious homosexual you are, conduct a research first about safe anal schmex before you stick that over-sized cucumber into your asshole.

“You know what you can do with that watch? Stick it up your ass!” -Alex deLarge

….And that’s it, my friends. Always remember: Look before you flush.

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