The 10 Types Of Text Messaging Beasts

Text messaging is known to be the most dependable form of communication in this crazy age. And since this is not anymore a generation of 3310 cellphones, text messaging today means less special characters, no more tiny picture messages, no more eye-raping phone back lights, less blinking messages, less jokes…

The only joke remaining, though, is the joke that some people are still clueless of how to use this medium called cellphone without sounding like a bunch of total idiots. So here, my friends, is my top 10 list. I know there is a lot more, but these are the ones that seem to be more common than the others. Hit the jump to view the list.

1. The J3j3tH3xThURz

Halt! First and foremost, I am not sneering at the Jejemons’ linguistic creativity, nor am I sneering at their music, clothes, etc. 1.) I am not that kind of person. 2.) I couldn’t care less.
I was a teenage jejemon, too (But that was a time when Unlimited texting packages weren’t available yet, and too much time were in my hands to type both uppercase and lowercase letters in my Nokia 5110i). Why, haven’t you typed ‘Kthnx‘ or ‘Tnx’ or ‘Axa K rN?’ when you were younger?

Anyway, the problem here is not the simple KTHNXs and UUs but the undecipherable Jejetexts. The fact that it takes so much more effort than needed but is hardly understandable is impractical.
Let’s say you’re in a very important situation:

You: Asa gani to dapit ang Address ni Sir? Kay naa na ko diri sa mailing office.
Jejefriend: Sa cOhrN3r 128 VheELaT RHowDz, UhrgeLLo, ZeVhuU ZhiTtY.

2. The Chain Message Monster

Whoever invented this shit is a cancer that should not only be accused and sent to jail of scaremongering but should also be killed with fire. It’s not funny waking up at 2AM just to read a shitty text message about how misfortunes can come to you the next day if you do not forward it to 10 people. Seriously, dicks. What the hell? It’s 2012! The world is dissolving like Alka Seltzer in front of our eyes and you still believe in that shit!

But I find it ridiculous reading a religious chain message saying God will punish you if you do not forward it to the 20 people you hold dear to your heart? Talk about faith.

“I believe in GOD! If you believe in God, send this to 20 people you love and tomorrow you will receive God’s blessing. If you don’t,bad luck will come to you. This is NOT A JOKE!”

Also, I have a feeling that the mobile networks are the evil masterminds of this horrible blasphemy.

3. The Caps Lock Angry

Don’t go Caps Lock angry on me, please. Oh, you’re not angry? Then why do you…

Me: Harro thar. Unsa’y ayo?
Me: Ah, okay. Suko ka?
Super Saiyan: WALA OI. NGANO MAN?

Ngano kuno oy.

4. The Loller

The loller: Inserts 7-12 ‘Haha’s in one message. Can get really annoying when you realize there’s nothing really funny at all.

One time a friend of mine asked me what I was up to, and I said my dad was taken to the ICU because of a heart attack, but couldn’t visit him because I was left to take care of our little business. She responded with an earth-shattering “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear about that, hahahaha. Always pray to God, Lot. Hahahaha. Mu pray pud ko sa recovery sa imong daddy hahahaha. Hope magka-jam ta’g balik LOL inig ayo sa imong dad haha. :)”

5. The ???

(Not exactly annoying, unlike the one above.) Uses an excessive load of question marks, most especially whenever it is unnecessary.

Me: Pst. Asa ka ron? Kita ta na, libre ko 1 set.
?: Mao ba? Naa ra ko balay?

Me: Kuya bert kung magkita mo ni JD ba, palihug nya ko ingon niya paarion nako siya ha. Kung di siya busy. Hehe.
Kuya Bert: Wala ko kakita ni JD ron?

Me: Huy, asa na ka? Pagdali oi, animal.
?: Huwat sa? Naligo pa ko?
Me: Suma nimo, ikaw man gada anang imong kaugalingon.
?: Atay? Haha?

6. The Zombie

‘Course it is nice to receive replies from the people we text, but there are just moments – take note- there are just moments when you feel like you’re only talking to yourself because the responses are fucking lacking enthusiasm. There you are, so full of energy in telling everyone about how excited you are for the much-awaited event of your life when you suddenly receive bleak responses like ‘Cool’, ‘Kuyaw’, ‘Nice’, etc. Grrr. It wouldn’t hurt if you put a little smiley in there, right? Or even a motherfucking period.

Me: Yehey! I just got myself a new pair of hi-cut Chucks!
Zombie Friend: May nuon

Me: Who’s up for a drink tonight? We be warakking.
Zombie Friend: Nindot diay

Me: Barbecue & Beer party ta tonight! Saman?
Zombie Friend: Mao ba

7.  The Flooder

Asa ka ron? REPLY ASAP

Asa ka ron? REPLY ASAP

Asa ka ron? REPLY ASAP

Asa ka ron? REPLY ASAP

Asa ka ron? REPLY ASAP

and so on until you run out of battery.

8. James Joyce

Someone who types like this….. Like some sort of… stream of the consciousness narrative….or a text message from… someone choking… running out..of breath…or someone…who’s about to die….any…minute…from…now….

9. The Asshole Friends

Take note, for this is important: Always keep your phone next to you, and activate its phone lock. Because some asshole friends of yours might steal your phone and send random messages to random people.

Me: Sex, drugs and Rock and Rooooollll! Party hard!

Mommy: Uli dayun diri kay mag-storya ta.

Yeah. I have tons of asshole friends.

10.  The Antichrist

The Antichrist is the unknown number that suddenly pops out of your cellphone screen, asking for a little bit of information from you, like: “Wer u skol?”

Worst part is he/she is more likely to attack if you do not reply.

“Mata pa u?”

Me: Kinsa lagi ni oi, Panuuu-way.

“Gusto ta ko makig meet u.”

Me: Minyo na ko.

“I’m 5″6′ in height, maputi & medyo punk pero emo-emo diay to. I lyk bizrock. U?”

Me: Laki ko.

“Awwts. Abe naq kaw to anak ni mam *****. Hatag man gud Christine u # abe nako sak2 ya hatag.”

…And apart from that, the Antichrist will send you the most blasphemous message you’ll ever read:

“Yes I would die 4 u Bhaby, but u won’t do d same. <3”

Just in case you’re interested, here’s the fucker’s number: 09106037125. Do your worst.


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