Like many of you guys, I rely on public transportation to get to school, work, or anywhere, because I’m too poor to have my own car. Most of us take the PUJs (aka the Undisputed King of the Roads), because it’s the most reliable and affordable form of public transportation. And perfect for you if you’re trying to save money for a Morrissey concert.
But we all know the blemishes of riding a PUJ: the expected inhalation of the polluted city air, the challenges of being quick enough to catch the one last seat before others could steal it, the clogged roads, the scorching heat emanating from people squeezing in and the different people you happen to meet inside. I’m talking about people like…
1.) The Stinkmasters
One of the worst people to sit next to. They smell obnoxiously unpleasant that it robs off your sanity, especially when they raise their fucking arms. There you are, hoping to arrive immediately because school was terribly exhausting when someone suddenly sits next to you, smelling incredibly bad, like they sold their souls to Satan. So instead of thinking about home, you try to breathe as little as possible in order not to faint.
I had an awful experience sitting next to a Stinkmaster once, and no matter how many times I covered my nose and said ‘Mmph kabaho!’ to express my disgust (without being rude to him, of course), the man remained clueless of his stink. What’s worse? When he realized I was covering my nose, he started sneering at the other guy on the right and covered his nose too. Wat.
2.) The Blabbermouths
Talks about everything, has opinions about almost everything, including Politics, Religion, Fashion and Showbiz. Says Manny Pacquiao will not lose to Mayweather, Marian Rivera doesn’t look good on her new hairstyle, Muslims won’t go to heaven, PNoy is the best president ever and asks you afterwards about what you think. They’re also known as The Mura’g Korek People. Blabbermouths come in groups, too, and are often composed of teenagers talking aloud about strange things like ‘Adto ta sa Bo’s CAFE club tambay na‘, ‘Ati-atihan sa Negros ba kay lingaw daw‘, ‘STC Lapu-lapu branch uy, bogo ba nimo‘, etc. They get really annoying especially when you’re not in the mood to talk, smile, or even make an appreciating nod. So, to ditch them off, listening to music is pretty essential. It’s a socially acceptable way of pushing people away.
3.) The Dozers
The rest of us understand these people, especially those who toil hard for 8 straight hours to feed their families. But there are times when you’re also too exhausted yourself to offer your tiny shoulders to their heavy leaning heads, let alone allowing these people to drool on your new Lynyrd Skynyrd t-shirt.
4.) The Douchebags
The ones who offend people by doing absolutely nothing. You say ‘Palihug ko sa plete’, they don’t listen. You ask them to move their asses off a bit so you can squeeze in, they ignore you. A disabled person gets in, they don’t vacate their seats. A woman clearly burdened by bags of groceries gets in, they don’t give a single fuck.
5.) The Drunks
A drunk person is easily identified with a droopy figure and an overpowering stench of alcohol and vomit. Some drunks are harmless – the ones who just sit down carefully with their gazes fixed on the road as if trying to fight the inebriation. Some are really talkative ones – those who talk gibberish with their saliva gushing like rain. Some (or most) of the drunks are a bunch of manyaks – those who tell you crazy drunk lines like ‘Paskwilahon tikaw, day’, ‘Pila imong sweldo kay doblehon nako’, etc. But the worst of all are the Pukey Pukesters (Need I state the obvious?) – those who puke everywhere, anytime, transforming your shirt into some sort of a puke bag, making this world a puke place.
6. The Rapunzels
Real-life shampoo models who think their hairs are edible enough for us to chew, swallow and digest.
7. The Music Lovers
Those who listen to their music players with the volume so loud it makes you use the facepalm gesture. They get really worse when they suddenly burst out singing horrible choruses like ‘Baby, baby, baby, ooooooooh!‘ with their hands noisily tapping their laps.
8. The Ninjas
Now you see them, now you don’t: The most remarkable escape artists of this generation. Always too quick to hop in and steal seats. Unfortunately, they’re also always the quickest to disappear, especially when the konduktor makes an announcement about the plete…
9. The Nanings
Are always the students with books or study papers in hands. Brows knitted as if nothing could ever break their concentrations in absorbing written material. Even a car accident on the other lane would fail to catch their attentions. Some of them probably got drunk the night before and forgot to study for the finals, while some are just lethargic dumbfucks who don’t listen to their professors.
10. The Gazers
Gazers are the people who stare at you for a long period of time, studying you with their sharp gazes and making you feel funny or conscious about your face and clothes. Sometimes their gazes send a message: “Hmmm, I think I know this girl”, and you’re like: “Hm. Was this the guy who made fun of me back in high school?”
Tolerable when a gazer is good-looking, but earth-shattering when fugly. Gazers are irritating sometimes, but harmless nonetheless. Well, exception added if they’re not looking at you but at your gadgets.
11. The Suspicious-Looking People
They’re actually kindhearted people blighted by the features of someone who does unpleasant things like tulis, kawat, lugos and any other harmful deeds.
Once, not very long ago, I witnessed this very odd encounter inside a PUJ en route to Minglanilla. A slender, inked man with huge ear tunnels stretched his tattooed arm to help an elderly woman who was in trouble climbing in when the old woman suddenly began hitting him with her umbrella exclaiming “Pulis! Pulis! Tabang!”. Embarrassed, the inked man withdrew his hand and proceeded texting with his iPhone.
The incident was funny as hell, but I felt really sorry for the guy. You know what they say, “Don’t judge a book by its cover”.
12. The Bilangkaders
Assholes who think they’re royal-blooded Bisdaks who don’t narrow their legs as if they’re paying P8.00 for a grand throne. Only bearable when pretty girls in short skirts do this, but it rarely happens.
13. The Munchers
Although eating inside a PUJ isn’t forbidden, our natural ability called ‘common sense’ is required. But science has explained that extreme hunger blocks any one’s sense of thinking (Which is why some people who had gone pasmo for days usually end up inside a mental institution or get chained and locked up in cages, so it’s sort of understandable when you see people eating inside PUJs, mainly because 1.) Their brains probably started malfunctioning, or 2.) They probably don’t want to end inside mental institutions.
But there are Munchers who just don’t have common sense at all. Again, maybe because extreme hunger has robbed off their abilities to think clearly that they do horrendous things such as:
1.) Improper disposal of garbage. Because this city is not yet a wasteland. Take note: Not yet.
2.) Bringing of foods/drinks that are not intended to be devoured or sipped inside a moving vehicle. E.g.: Cup noodles, pospas, hot chocolate, hot coffee.
-You do not know how it feels like to be sitting next to a person eating cup noodles (with steam coming off of it). Imagine what would happen if the PUJ driver suddenly stepped on the break.
Another example: sardines, durian, dried fish, green mango with uyap and worst of all, tinabal.
– “You don’t want to see me retch and puke, do you?!”
3.) Bringing of foods that would surely make the other passengers drool.
– Because it’s just not right, it’s just not right!
14. The Lovebirds
It’s actually pretty awesome to see an adorable couple holding hands inside a jeepney, or even anywhere, because at least, you need not contemplate anymore about the fact that love still exists (although not for you. Joke. Hehe!). But there are times when some lewd couples go beyond the limits with that love thing of theirs inside PUJs – french-kissing and necking, let’s include boob-cupping, that PDA sort of thang (Take note: PDA as in Public Display of Affection, not to be confused with Public Display of Anus. That’s another subject). And that, my dear friends, is not cute anymore. It’s like the scene in Futurama where Bender says: “Whoa, mama! Get a room, you two!”. Or in vernacular: “Mura baya mo’g mga gwapo ug gwapa, ka-luod ninyo mga pisteha mo. Check-in mo didto kaw!”
15. The Manyaks
Perverts who stare at your covered parts for minutes, imagining lewd scenes in their fevered minds. Some even pretend to be asleep only to make slight contacts with your precious boobies. One effective way to push these people away, a friend of mine told me, is to pretend you have balls. But you don’t really have to believe in that stoner.
16. The Rocker Detectors
They immediately sense you’re a fan of rock music, probably because of your shirt, shoes, hairstyle or tattoos. Rocker Detectors would LOUDLY talk to their friends about gigs, concerts, bands, musical instruments, local rock stars and would hum rock songs (mostly shitty ones) so you could hear and
barf appreciate. Unfortunately, 99% of these patagad people have the worst taste in music. Because most of those who have good taste in music are snooty enough to sing their favorite songs in public.
17. The Show-Offs
Bragging is natural (for we all have our crazy sides too), especially when you really have something to brag about, like gadgets and all. But the PUJ is just not the right place for bragging stuff. Sad to say that there are some people who are too dumb to bring out expensive phones and other gadgets while inside a public vehicle. As writer Gertrude Stein once said: “The deepest thing in any one is the conviction of the bad luck that follows boasting.” So what do we say to these bragsters? Good-luck sa mga bad guys.
18. The Damaksters
The greatest slobs in Philippine History. I don’t know why I always happen to sit next to these people. They spit or sneeze every minute or so for the entire duration of the trip and I always have to inhale whatever germ these people emit from their mouths. Some Damaksters pick their noses, some clean their teeths with their fingernails, some even cut their toenails in front of you! And they also don’t give a fuck if you’re disgusted.
Sometimes, I think this world is trolling me.
19. The Carolers From Hades
Adik-looking guys (Thin + poorly inked + dark eyed + bony faced) who frequently climb inside public vehicles and make goose-bumping announcements like: “Ayaw lang ninyo laina’g sabot, Ati, Koyah, dili mi mga tulisan… Mga manaygunay lang mi.” This is always followed by some strange rapping, accompanied by some shameless beatboxing, and of course, segued with some forceful begging that will surely make you hand out coins. Horrifying, sure, but better than the…
20. The Bad Guys
Although PUJs are one of the most convenient public vehicles to take, it is never a safe one. Why? Because of the muthereffin’ bad guys, the worst ones to be inside a PUJ. Most of them are heartless and violent sons of bitches who actually hurt and kill people, while some are youngsters who eat the shit out of old Modus Operandis. The funniest are the Epic Fail Tulisans, those who threaten passengers with fake guns and get pwned before they could make a move.
And what’s the best way to avoid all these people? I asked my friend, the stoner. Her answer was: “Own a fucking car.”
But you don’t really have to believe in that stoner.